Anxiety

What is anxiety and why am I writing about it?

If you follow my blog then you have probably read what happened last Sunday at the beach. I’m not a shrinking violet and generally stand up for myself, however, even being me, I took a step back and didn’t. I am glad I made that decision and chose my fight wisely!

Depression and anxiety is something I have lived with many years, more so depression, until I lost my Mam suddenly 3 years ago, then anxiety properly kicked in.

I have kind of just got on with it over the years, had good times had bad times, like everyone really. Life was what it was. However after Mam died I ended up leaving a job I absolutely loved with a conservation charity that I adored, I sadly didn’t have the right support at the time I needed it, from who I needed it from, and it broke me (I had support from a lot who really mattered and meant a lot, but they couldn’t sort what needed sorting). But you know what, that was then, this is now and everything happens for a reason and I am now working in another job that I adore, working as a peer support worker in mental health, using my negative experiences to bring positivity to others that might be struggling. If I make a difference to just 1 person then I have done my job as a person right!

Anxiety can display itself in many guises and there is so much more than I realised, it’s not all just lumped into “anxiety”. I’m not going to go into all of them as Dr Google can answer that for you 😉 I myself have a level of social anxiety, general anxiety, and cptsd (complex post traumatic disorder) of which presents itself in different forms.

Ok work not school, I’m too bloody old!! Pic from internet

Anxiety also affects our physical wellbeing. It causes stress and tension, exacerbating physical ailments one may already have, for example I have arthritis and when my anxiety is bad my joints hurt so badly! My shoulders and neck tense and hurt, I can shake and shiver, I can’t string a sentence together, I can’t move sometimes, I cry with frustration and anger. The list is endless, and because we are all so different, it can present itself to us differently.

When I feel myself slipping from being well, such as last Sunday, I was back into my hyper vigilance, that I had beaten with therapy, so that made my anxiety worse, thinking I was going backwards, even though I knew I wasn’t. I became alert, I was pacing, I couldn’t relax incase he came back!

I have spent this week whilst working also, spending time doing things that make me happy.

What makes me happy… The beach… The sea… Painting… My pets (including those we have lost in the last year!)… Crafts… Nature… Walking and music!

I haven’t managed to get to my happy place due to work, but will at the weekend. Here are some pictures to show you what I love and what has kept me going. (All mine unless stated otherwise.)

Maisie (RIP) bodyboarding with my daughter Anna

Spook (RIP) & Maisie (RIP) hope they’re playing together 😭

Elvis (RIP) & Waffle

Macy Grey

Bestest Buds Sharon and Steve. You have no idea how much you have keot me going all these months Shaz 💜 love ya x

Very first painting I ever did. Transporter Bridge. Thanks Grandma x

Walk around the field at sunset

My gorgeous wife, and my face at the goon last Sunday 😂

Walking around our local field

In our lil pond

Ruby tailed wasp

Silver washed fritillary

Walcott

Sand Martins at Covehithe

Titchwell

I recently discovered Chelcee Grimes’s music accidentally, and she is an incredibly talented singer and songwriter, as well as footballer! She is right up there with my all time favourite writer Diane Warren (both these photos of Chelcee and Diane were stolen from the Internet lol)

Homophobic Attack at West Runton!

Lou and I went to West Runton today, some of the fabulous guys that know their stuff about fossils, were going to be there to do education and ID. Perfect to get some of our findings ID’d!

After chatting for a while I noticed lots of people were arriving, so left Lou there and went and set up our little pitch to sit.

I was wandering around some of the larger rock pools when a woman asked me if I was local, I am, so she asked if I would help her son find a fossil. Naturally I said yes, so we were on the hunt for a belemnite. Something he could take home after their holiday.

Her husband then came over and said “take no notice of that” referring to me, saying he had just been talking to the fossil chaps and that they had told him the best place would be the cliffs! For starters “that”?! Excuse me! Secondly, they wouldn’t have told him the cliffs as they are very dangerous and precarious.

I said “ok will leave you to it to find your fossils” and walked back to our camp, I didn’t want any confrontation. I didn’t like being dismissed in such a way, but gave him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he has had a bad day? His wife said a few words to him about how he had referred to me.

His son had wandered off at this point so the wife followed, he stayed eith his daughter. He kept having a go at the little girl who must be around 5, and then suddenly at the top of his voice he shouted to his wife “Amy don’t f***ing walk away from me like that!” and stalked over to her, grabbing her arm and yanking it really hard. I didnt say anything but he saw me looking and started on me. He got quite verbal and personal, so I told him to stop acting like a dickhead. He then told me not to speak to him like that infront of his kids. 🤔

He then got really nasty, said he had come across “my type” before, short hair, tattoos (the only one visible is on my leg!) and that I was a “radical butch lesbian who couldn’t have kids” my reply was “I beg your pardon” he then carried on got even more personal and again brought up kids, to which I pointed out that I can and have, his reply “where is it then?” He told me I was liar, more personal insults and slurs as he was walking away, all in front of his two kids aged approx 5 and 7.

What a role model!!

I have had various names thrown at me over the years and I don’t really care, this was different, this was malicious and aggressive. Sadly I couldnt call the police as had no bloody signal!! Plus I had witnesses who checked I was ok afterwards, and couldn’t believe how he behaved.

Homophobia has no place in any society, who people love has nothing to do with anyone else, after all, the wife is with him!? I do hope she is ok and if she ever needs help, that she goes and gets it for her kids sake.

Whilst it may have shook me a little, its not going to change who i am, he made a lot of assumptions, and yes ok I am married to a woman, but thats not why I have short hair, I have short hair for most of my life, it suits me! It is what I choose to do with my hair and body, for me, not for anybody else. That is how it should be!

I live in Norfolk, I have been here 11 years, am almost furniture, don’t come on holiday to MY beach and abuse me cos you have an inferiority complex! Deal with it, don’t take it out on me!

Wife is called Amy, but this is the man who verbally abused me today, the one in the cap. I don’t have a facial picture, but if I did I wouldn’t post it. Just watch for the puffer jacket, cap and attitude!

Love who you want, it is your life.

🙏💜