I am really struggling at the moment. I miss my Dad so much, it just makes me cry. It doesn’t feel real, feels surreal.
I’ve ordered myself a grief diary to try and use that.
Dad’s ashes have now been scattered, found out through a back door, which is really crap. We were told his golfing buddies were going to scatter him, but they didn’t, his wife did. No option for me and my brother to have been there.
Grieving for him has been so difficult as there have been so many things going on around emotionally. People’s behaviour and attitudes. Made it worse and harder.
I never really contemplated a day that he wouldn’t be there, even though we get older every year. I guess I maybe contemplated a normal (whatever that is) passing, not taken so quickly by mesothelioma.
Mesothelioma takes no prisoners, it is an aggressive cancer caused by exposure to asbestos. Dad was exposed to it in the 60’s and 70’s during some of his 33 year military service in the Royal Navy, where he was a Chief Engineering Artificer. So, for his good service he got this!!
My Dad never ever complained about pain, even in October 2022 when he almost severed his thumb on a circular saw. During the mesothelioma he was in major pain, we knew because he kept saying it was hurting, so it must have been bad.
The irony of it all was my Dad was diagnosed on his ex’s (my Mam) birthday, and he passed 9 weeks later.
Am glad I got to spend some time with him before, glad I got to get and give him a big hug a week before, and to tell him that I love him, and for him to say “ditto”. I have that and it can’t be tarnished or taken away.
I feel like a big piece of me is missing. To hear his voice one more time… to be given a hug… for him to tell me the Countryfile calendar competition is open…
I’ve had a lot of death over the years, people who are very important to me, but this feels like nothing else ever. 💔
I would have loved Dad to have met Freyja our 11 week old Cavapoo. I think he would have loved her, and she him. He loved our late dog Maisie (cavalier) and pur 2 late cats Spook and Macy, and they all loved him. I do hope they are together.
People say “it gets better, you will get over it, you will learn how to cope, at least he isn’t in pain now” all platitudes I loathe. I don’t want to get over it, it doesn’t get better and as for coping, well how do we cope with everything that is thrown our way? And yes, he isn’t in pain, the only good thing.
Dad I love you and miss you so much xxx
Dad with his fingers in his ears, when serving in the Royal Navy as an Artificer Taken by his best mate AlanL- R: Macy, Maisie and Spook Dad and I in Weymouth Freyja
I have been missing longer than I planned to be, but 2023 was the shittiest year ever.
We lost Macy Grey in May and before I got chance to process it, I had a car crash!
Then, whilst I was in plaster my Dad was diagnosed with mesothelioma, which is a very aggressive cancer caused by asbestos. It was that aggressive it killed my DAD in 9 weeks to the day of diagnosis.
Taken by Dad’s bestie, Alan
I miss him so so much, I feel like a massive part of me is missing. I lost all interest in everything, didn’t want to go out, didn’t want to do any of my hobbies. Even my passion for wildlife and nature suffered. I was just so numb, empty and hollow.
I am starting to defrost a little.
Saw my first starling Murmuration yesterday of 2024. Sadly it won’t let me upload it, so I will load it onto my YouTube channel and then post it.
Also what has kept me going a little are 3 wonderful kitties. Toby a beautiful ginger Tom, half Maine Coon (my neighbours cat) has been to say hello every day since we lost Macy, and he comes for a fuss not treats. Just before Christmas two kittens on the block, Stan & Ollie have been coming over the back garden fence to sat hi, and it’s wonderful, they make me smile.
TobyRare Norfolk Meerkat 😂
I do have some highs too, which I will share, as don’t want all doom and gloom.
We went up North to see family at the beginning of Dec and had some beautiful snow, and we also got to see aurora borealis (northern lights) at my favourite beach, Hartlepool Headland.
Hartlepool #auroraborealis at #hartlepoolheadland
Also, this gorgeous wee fella came into our lives! Meet JASPER
Well, its February 2022 and Ive been quite lax in my writing, work has been so busy, which is great (wish I was paid per session!)
I havent been in the best of places, tured, health not great, dark mornings dark nighrs, not able to get out walking due to illness.
All sounds doom and gloom I know, but it isnt really, its reflecting on how shit things have been for us, losing all the pets exceot Macy and Nelson over the kast 18 months has been really tough and hard to come back from.
However, I have started ny treatment of EMDR for trauma (not ready to explain) and complex grief counselling to help process everything, so thats steps in the right direction.
The garden us starting to come back to life, although Storm Eustace is currently battering hell out of it!
Crocuses, primroses, snowdrops and lungwort are flowering, beautiful.
Ive started a couple of new hobbies… Needle felting and pyrography.
We had a major flood last week, it has totalled a lot of the flat and I discovered yesterday that my keyboard (musical) has drowned. I cried!
Here are a few photos from the last few weeks.
Oh, and I found a piece of mammoth skull at the beach, how cool is that? Millions of years old fossil!
Snow moonFirst watercolour for a long time New abode at The Prickly Deli (Facebook) Macy being very cuteCrocuses Mammoth skull pieceSalmon gravlax with squid ink tuille at Barnham Broom Barnham Broom Macy and I A woolly rhino that I needle felted
Its been a little while since I’ve put anything on here, haven’t really been myself to be honest. Its been tough losing 4 pets, and then losing a surrogate pet as well on top of that. Plus friends passing away and family members, didnt do much good for my mental health!
Am working on a piece so be patient with me. Until then here is my fundraising page and some of my pics
Beaver Moon in November, Cromer Beaver Moon across the North Sea at Cromer Sunset at West Runton Sunset at West Runton Sunset at West Runton Sunset from the cliffs at West Runton Peacock at Alby Crafts California poppyNeedle felting for a friend To those who died so I could live Needle felted gonkNeedle felted penguin The gang
If you follow my blog then you have probably read what happened last Sunday at the beach. I’m not a shrinking violet and generally stand up for myself, however, even being me, I took a step back and didn’t. I am glad I made that decision and chose my fight wisely!
Depression and anxiety is something I have lived with many years, more so depression, until I lost my Mam suddenly 3 years ago, then anxiety properly kicked in.
I have kind of just got on with it over the years, had good times had bad times, like everyone really. Life was what it was. However after Mam died I ended up leaving a job I absolutely loved with a conservation charity that I adored, I sadly didn’t have the right support at the time I needed it, from who I needed it from, and it broke me (I had support from a lot who really mattered and meant a lot, but they couldn’t sort what needed sorting). But you know what, that was then, this is now and everything happens for a reason and I am now working in another job that I adore, working as a peer support worker in mental health, using my negative experiences to bring positivity to others that might be struggling. If I make a difference to just 1 person then I have done my job as a person right!
Anxiety can display itself in many guises and there is so much more than I realised, it’s not all just lumped into “anxiety”. I’m not going to go into all of them as Dr Google can answer that for you 😉 I myself have a level of social anxiety, general anxiety, and cptsd (complex post traumatic disorder) of which presents itself in different forms.
Ok work not school, I’m too bloody old!! Pic from internet
Anxiety also affects our physical wellbeing. It causes stress and tension, exacerbating physical ailments one may already have, for example I have arthritis and when my anxiety is bad my joints hurt so badly! My shoulders and neck tense and hurt, I can shake and shiver, I can’t string a sentence together, I can’t move sometimes, I cry with frustration and anger. The list is endless, and because we are all so different, it can present itself to us differently.
When I feel myself slipping from being well, such as last Sunday, I was back into my hyper vigilance, that I had beaten with therapy, so that made my anxiety worse, thinking I was going backwards, even though I knew I wasn’t. I became alert, I was pacing, I couldn’t relax incase he came back!
I have spent this week whilst working also, spending time doing things that make me happy.
What makes me happy… The beach… The sea… Painting… My pets (including those we have lost in the last year!)… Crafts… Nature… Walking and music!
I haven’t managed to get to my happy place due to work, but will at the weekend. Here are some pictures to show you what I love and what has kept me going. (All mine unless stated otherwise.)
Maisie (RIP) bodyboarding with my daughter AnnaSpook (RIP) & Maisie (RIP) hope they’re playing together 😭Elvis (RIP) & WaffleMacy Grey Bestest Buds Sharon and Steve. You have no idea how much you have keot me going all these months Shaz 💜 love ya xVery first painting I ever did. Transporter Bridge. Thanks Grandma xWalk around the field at sunset My gorgeous wife, and my face at the goon last Sunday 😂Walking around our local field In our lil pondRuby tailed wasp Silver washed fritillary WalcottSand Martins at CovehitheTitchwellI recently discovered Chelcee Grimes’s music accidentally, and she is an incredibly talented singer and songwriter, as well as footballer! She is right up there with my all time favourite writer Diane Warren (both these photos of Chelcee and Diane were stolen from the Internet lol)
I keep meaning to sit and write a blog post but time seems to get away from me. Work is busy which is great, we have released 7 hedgehogs which is fantastic. We’ve been helping a neighbour who broke her knee plus other bits and pieces. Oh yeah, I was ill. I had immense pain in the lower part of the abdomen where my appendix is. It was that acute I found I couldn’t stand, it made me break out in a sweat and nearly fall over a few times. I went to the dr which I really don’t like doing, but needs must! They took blood, am waiting for an ultrasound, but the dr thinks its possibly an infection in my gall bladder!
I was told to go on a no fat diet, which I have and have lost 1 stone 2lbs so far (that I know of..)
I am controlling most of the pain with diet and dihydricodeine at the moment so all good. Have started going back out for walks after being off work for a week, here are a few pics x
This is Munchkin who first came to The Prickly Deli in Oct last year6-Spot Burnet Moth (photo of the viewer on my camera) Daisy released on the world! Donald and Daisy Daisy trying to escape! Hmm… Small Magpie Moth6 spot burnet moth caterpillar Planted these poppies last year in memory of my Mam Sunset across the NDR (Northern Distributor Road / Broadland Northway) Pale Tussock MothPale Tussock Moth7 spot ladybird larvae Kerms is back!! Zebra jumping spider. I just love these little guys n gals, they have the cutest faces!! Zebra jumping spider waving! Spook and Maisie were Friday Floofs on Animal Friends Insurances Instagram on Friday. I miss these guys so much xMacy enjoying the sun, looking like she is sniffing the corn marigold 😂Sunset on the field. May as well try and get the most before they build houses! Vapourer moth caterpillar on the rosesJuvenile nuthatch at Pensthorpe Brown Argus on plantain, at Pensthorpe Reed Warbler at Pensthorpe Garden Warbler at Pensthorpe Baby wrens. The swallows abandoned the nest whilst building, so the wrens took over and finished it with foliage. Looks great. Theay have now fledgedMammy WrenPuzzle hiding!
Thats it for this episode lol. Hope you like the photos, feel free to leave a comment. Take care x
I have always loved a sunset, the swirling colours, the clouds shaping and colluding together, the flowers, the darkness creeping in. The birds singing the giving way to bats chasing insects…
The colours we see are created by something called Rayleigh scattering. It’s the same thing that makes the sky look blue during the day.
I thought I would share some of my favourite ones that I have taken. I hope you like them. PS there are no filters on any of the photos, they are as it was, the only tweak was when I have added text.
Enjoy! Love and light x
Thorpe Marriott fields Ringland Thorpe Marriott fields Breck Farm Lane Our garden St Benets Abbey Cromer H.M.S Trincomalee, Hartlepool Sandymouth, Cornwall Thorpe Marriott fields Sandymouth, Cornwall Thorpe Marriott fields Blythburgh Portishead MarinaSevern Bridge Thorpe Marriott fields Walcott Thorpe Marriott fields Thorpe Marriott fields Not strictly sunset, but just after. Mr Blackbird was singing his heart out at the moon, seemed wrong to not share him with you 🙏A swallow flying at Sandymouth Cornwall Thorpe Marriott fields Thorpe Marriott fields SnapeSnape MaltingsFedden Village, Portishead
Sunset on our patchPlaying with torch light on bluebells Not sure what this insect is yetSulphur Tubic (esperia sulphurella) Flower crab spider Clarkes Mining bee on Dandelion Clarkes Mining bee on Dandelion Yellow archangel Yellow archangel White comfrey One of the cranesbill plantsVery cute Nettle weevil Cherry Gall on Oak. Living up to its name, the cherry gall wasp produces growths, or ‘galls’, on oak leaves that look like red cherries. Inside the gall, the larvae of the wasp feed on the host tissues, but don’t cause a lot of damage.Mollie, our neighbours kitten, checking out our native wildflower patch (corn marigold, borage, lacy phacelia plus herbs) Herb Robert Lords and ladies
Way back in 2006 a little kitty came into our lives.
I had been looking for a black cat and someone from Castleford that I knew, said she had one black kitten left. We arranged to meet, I did think it odd that it had to be at a service station, but gave the benefit of the doubt and went anyway.
They turned up and had this massive cardboard box, with a little palm size kitten, not black and no blanket or anything. I made the decision that kitten was coming with us anyways.
Spook as a kittenGeorgia (Anna) & Spook playing Hogs of War. Spook investigating Princess The Hamsters pad… Good job Princess was in her exercise ball!
When we got Spook back home, we noticed she was absolutely riddled with fleas, but because of her size coupled with the fact we were pretty sure she was younger than what they said she was, we weren’t able to give her anything for the fleas. There was nothing for it, we had to bathe her. I counted my fingers before and after each session, it was tough but worth it, we won!!
We also had a border collie called Bonnie, and Spook got along with her straight away, they played together and lay together. Bonnie hardly ever stayed still, she was an endless ball of energy. Then in 2008 we inherited another kitten when Macy Grey entered our lives. I met her at my cousins house and we immediately bonded, so a couple of weeks later when my cousin said her toddler kept trying to eat the cat litter, and would we have Macy, it was a no brainer. Spook and Macy got along fine, they slept together and again played together.
Both of the girls were indoor cats as where we lived in Coundon someone was killing peoples pets, I wasn’t even going to entertain the chance of losing them. We lived there for a few years before moving to Ferryhill and sadly moved onto a really busy main road, again too risky. They’ve always been indoor girls and have had a very fulfilled life.
Spook was an odd cat in the respect she wasnt keen on being cuddled, petted or stroked, she would growl at you and bite if you weren’t quick to move. She would also hide behind the wall and get your ankles 😂
In 2010 we moved down to Norfolk and I was finally able to get Spook spayed (my ex wouldn’t let me), she became a totally different cat almost overnight, it was amazing. Cuddles, strokes, sleeping on knees, playing, lots of kisses and purring followed, she became my little shadow and best friend. I had a relationship with her that I never thought I would be able to.
When we moved to Norfolk, my other half had a 2 year old cavalier king charles called Maisie and both her and Spook became best friends. They were pretty much inseparable, if Spook came out in the garden on her special harness, Maisie would be by her side making sure she was ok, and when pooch was asleep, Spook constantly checked on her to make sure she was ok (if she wasn’t jumping on her from height lol), it was a lovely friendship. Macy on the other handdidnt like dogs, but she tolerated them.
From being the runt of the litter, being the tiniest scrap of a kitten, Spook became the biggest personality and most affectionate and loving little cat, she never became a big cat, was always a skinny little thing, but she made up for it in cattitude! I used to call her my mini maine coone.
When we lost Maisie in September, Spook was a little lost and confused for a while, she couldn’t understand where her bestie had gone, and we had no way to explain to her. It was so hard to watch, she became very clingy with me, I just gave her lots of love as usual.
Through working from home Spook kept us chuckling, she either insisted on being almost glued to my leg or stealing pencils, as well as being on Microsoft Teams chats, so I am glad that we got to spend all that extra time with both her and Maisie.
Until fairly recently, Spook was a fussy eater, but over the last couple of months she would eat anything! We had a takeaway one night, and every night afterwards she would wait next to the lobby door, for the “food man” to bring dinner, she made us laugh so much.
Whenever I had a bath, both Spook and Macy liked to come and sit in the bathroom with me, they were both a little obsessed with water. This one day Macy had her back paws on the loo lid and her front paws on the edge of the bath, looking at the bubbles. Spook pushed her in!! Talk about a sense of humour!!
Also, a couple of weeks before we lost her, we had a kebab and Spook decided she wanted kebab so had a fist / paw fight with Lou for hers, I was a supportive wife, I laughed!
It was really difficult losing her, it came so suddenly. I noticed she had lost some weight, not that she had a lot on her, but it was noticeable, so we booked a vet check up. I warned Adam the vet (he hadn’t met her before) that she thought she was a dog not a cat, he laughed and didn’t take me seriously! He checked her over and took bloods for testing overnight, but when he was examining her she spent the whole time growling at him. I did warn him! She never really learnt how to cat! She never miaowed and often growled if she didn’t like something lol.
The tests came back as Spook having hyperthyroidism which is treatable by medication, so we decided on this route and were due to collect the tablets on thur 25th March however on the evening of the 24th Spook seemed to be a touch breathless, so we kept an eye on it, she had been playing “kill the tennis ball”. The next morning she was lying on her bed and was gasping for her breath, she hadn’t exerted herself or anything, so we got an emergency appointment. We had to make one of the hardest decisions ever, and I miss her so much but I have some fantastic memories. I would like to thank all the staff at Taverham Vets, they have been amazing.
Here are some of my favourite pics of Spook. I love you my little munchkin, I hope you and Maisie are creating mischief wherever you are. Love Mam x
Loved catnip and feathersSpook sized gap behind my bumCuddlesAlways loved to have human touch, or to be holding hands or feetLoved watching BBC Springwatch My seat! Snuggled with MacyGetting ready for a game! If I fits… I sits… Not allowed in the bathroom unescorted Saying hi to Elvis and Waffle, we lost Elvis last May, in lockdown Trying to work out how to get Nelson out… Holding feetsTwo paintings Georgia (Anna) didUpto mischief when pooch was asleep 😂Working from home Watching for the food man! Watching Self Isolating Bird ClubIams Food TesterFelix Treat Tester, she looks so proud.Play well both of you, you are both missed so much x
Discovered a programme on C4 a few weeks ago, called Drawers Off!
It’s a Life Drawing art programme with 5 contestants each week, and they each take a day to pose for the other artists to draw, paint, sketch, whatever they choose. I love it!
Its hosted by the very funny Jenny Eclair and has a Mentor in artist Diana Ali.
I have learnt quite a lot in watching and found myself being inspired to get my paints and charcoal out, which I may well do over the weekend. Until I do, here are some of my older works, dont be too harsh with me! Happy to receive tips and inspiration with insights into improving 🙏💜
Wild Sue's Wilderness 