I am really struggling at the moment. I miss my Dad so much, it just makes me cry. It doesn’t feel real, feels surreal.
I’ve ordered myself a grief diary to try and use that.
Dad’s ashes have now been scattered, found out through a back door, which is really crap. We were told his golfing buddies were going to scatter him, but they didn’t, his wife did. No option for me and my brother to have been there.
Grieving for him has been so difficult as there have been so many things going on around emotionally. People’s behaviour and attitudes. Made it worse and harder.
I never really contemplated a day that he wouldn’t be there, even though we get older every year. I guess I maybe contemplated a normal (whatever that is) passing, not taken so quickly by mesothelioma.
Mesothelioma takes no prisoners, it is an aggressive cancer caused by exposure to asbestos. Dad was exposed to it in the 60’s and 70’s during some of his 33 year military service in the Royal Navy, where he was a Chief Engineering Artificer. So, for his good service he got this!!
My Dad never ever complained about pain, even in October 2022 when he almost severed his thumb on a circular saw. During the mesothelioma he was in major pain, we knew because he kept saying it was hurting, so it must have been bad.
The irony of it all was my Dad was diagnosed on his ex’s (my Mam) birthday, and he passed 9 weeks later.
Am glad I got to spend some time with him before, glad I got to get and give him a big hug a week before, and to tell him that I love him, and for him to say “ditto”. I have that and it can’t be tarnished or taken away.
I feel like a big piece of me is missing. To hear his voice one more time… to be given a hug… for him to tell me the Countryfile calendar competition is open…
I’ve had a lot of death over the years, people who are very important to me, but this feels like nothing else ever. 💔
I would have loved Dad to have met Freyja our 11 week old Cavapoo. I think he would have loved her, and she him. He loved our late dog Maisie (cavalier) and pur 2 late cats Spook and Macy, and they all loved him. I do hope they are together.
People say “it gets better, you will get over it, you will learn how to cope, at least he isn’t in pain now” all platitudes I loathe. I don’t want to get over it, it doesn’t get better and as for coping, well how do we cope with everything that is thrown our way? And yes, he isn’t in pain, the only good thing.
Dad I love you and miss you so much xxx
Wild Sue's Wilderness 